Today, I received the items I picked out from my dad’s personal effects that I wanted. Some pictures, some of his pins and medals, etc. But the most important thing was his flight jacket.
Now let me preface all of this by saying that, I LOVED being a military brat. I loved the pageantry of military events, I loved going to the hangar on Christmas and having Santa land in a helicopter, I loved going to a DoD school and learning military ranks and history. And I learned that THIS was my connection with my dad. He was the reason I was a military kid, and I admired him and was amazed by him, and I very much wish I would have told him this sooner. My heart aches at my stubbornness and stoicism and the IDGAF attitude that made me hold out. And honestly, he’s the reason I’m this way, so really, it’s all his fault.
Seriously, though, it’s important that I move beyond blame. It’s too late for that. It can’t be fixed, so what do I do in this void of options? I can remember, I can be better, and I can vow not to let this stand in the way of any other relationships. Holding the flight jacket, a flood of memories and feelings came back with the smell of leather and the mixture of a child’s memories of her dad doing his awesome job. And her memories of a time she called him “daddy” and was so proud to be his daughter. There’s no going back, but I can learn to move forward and learn to let people know when they’re important to me.
So I’ll be working on that. It will take time and effort. And I won’t necessarily do it right. But I owe it to myself, and to the memory of a man who was my father, and deserved to know how much I loved him. I can only hope there is someplace that exists where he does.